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Fantasies and should they be fulfilled.....

So big discussion.  fantasies and should they be fulfilled. In speaking to everyone that I have about them 99.9% people agreed hell yeah!!! For instance the subject at hand was threesomes. two guys one girl or two girls one guy. I was amazed and shocked at the responses I got from people. Reason I asked was cause I over heard a conversation on the bus and was curious to know do people feel comfortable with the idea of doing it. The responses were amazing and enlightning lol so to speak. Even people who I thought were going to go omg I would never not only did it one way they did it other ways too and said that everyone should experience it once in their life because it was an amazing experience and that everyone fantasizes.Really? lol but she was right I kept asking people what they thought and they were like if you are comfortable with the idea go for it. One thing though if you are make sure its someone random when you involve friends you risk your friendship and its never the same again. So my next question was well how the hell do you just get someone to do it with you? I mean do you just go up to someone and say hey you i want u to come fuck me and my boy/girlfriend? and there is the question of jealousy does it come into play do you get pissed your girl gettin it in with some other dude or do you get pissed cause ur man is fucking this other chic? Every answer was you have to be open and put all feeling aside if you cant then its not even worth doing it cause it can end ur relationship. Basically if your going to do this to fulfill a fantasy both parties have to agree that its a one time deal and thats that. Just make sure that there is enough trust and love to make sure that the other doesnt leave ur ass for the third party. lol well I got quite the education. Indeed I did. To each his own just be careful take care and make sure you both want it.

The end to something I had to let go

Its been 4 1/2 months since I became single. After 22 1/2 yrs of marriage I finally let it go. I thought it was going to be painful but it wasn't. It was an actual relief. I finally realized that holding on to something out of habit was causing more harm than good. I was hurting myself but more importantly my children. It was not a good relationship to begin with. There was too much emotional, verbal and mental abuse and I realized that I had married my mother. I stood in it that long because I had kids and thought that no matter what I had to make it work. But it sucks when you are the only person who is trying and the other one just keeps taking advantage and keeps stomping all over your heart. After a while your heart begins to shut down and you begin to get cold and not care. You go thru a state of depression because you have tried everything to prove that you are the one that they should be with and you give so much but they feel that its ok to call you out your name and treat you like your a door mat. Never regarding your feelings. Never realizing that they are shutting you out and once that door is closed there is no turning back. Love should never hurt. Love should never treat you like your nothing. Never appreciating the things that you do and just over all treating you like garbage. A woman is supposed to feel loved, appreciated, Respected, honored. You have everything you could have in a person and you feel the need to go stray. I don't get that. You act like your better than that woman that you are superior. Thats now how it works that woman is your equal she is supposed to be your rock but when you kick that rock around enough it sure to disappear. To go back a little on what I said earlier about marrying my mother. I grew up in a house where the same type of abuse was done to me. Thats all I knew so when I left home and I got together with this individual I found the same qualities subconciously and well I had a family and now I thought I had to keep it together for them. I realize now in looking back that even though I tried to make it work and in 22 yrs it never changed I know now that it will never be. I have to say that even though I am now single I am not unhappy. I am the happiest I have ever been. I realize that the person I was with didnt deserve me. I didnt need someone to validate me as a woman. So even though its been only 4 months I have been thinking for a long time and I finally said ENOUGH. When infidelity plays a part and there's no more trust what the fuck are you doing still waiting for this person to get it. Now they realize what I was and worth and I'm supposed to take that apology and go ok like always. Not this time. I paved the way for that pattern. I'm sorry ok and then its done. Well no longer will I be that door mat any more. FOR ANYONE! I decided to end it when this person was once again up to his old tricks. Acting out like a high school student. Please I'm to grown for that shit and I was done with the nonsense and then to be given an ultimatum? HA! that was not flowing with me. But what really did it for me was the fact that on his mission to get my attention so to speak he dissed my son for a date. A DATE, word? nah You messed with the wrong thing this time. So I said I've been doing it on my own forever even while he was in the picture.  I will continue and I will be the best mother that I can be to my kids. If he cant' handle that tough shit try that shit on someone who doesn't know you and doesn't know the bullshit. I know you too well and thats why I won't go back because I know its going to be the same shit. and it will never change as long as I allow for him to do it. Don't stay in a relationship for the wrong reasons if doesn't treat you like the queen or king that you deserve get out and walk away find someone who will appreciate you and treat you like the King/Queen you are. With that being said I am not upset any more and I can honestly say I hope that one day he can find someone and learn to love that person the way they deserve. But he has to change the person that he is in order to go foward. As for me I am moving foward not backward and I am going to do with a clear mind and know that I am destined to be appreciated, loved and respected. Life is good to me now and I am beyond happy. I realize that I had to let the negativity go and believe in myself because I am all I have to depend on. God has blessed me with 5 children and that was the only thing that was good that came out of that relationship. God continues to bless me with every breathe I take and the strength I need to go foward. I know that he will continue to bless me as he has always have but I didnt realize it before. Thank you God for everything that I have. I believe I have learnt my lesson and am ready for the next one.

Is verbal and emotional abuse considered domestic violence?

So I was on Facebook the other day and I saw a friend put up a post about verbal abuse. Which gave me the idea for todays blog.
Many times we have arguements with our significant others and at times it gets out of hand. How far out of hand does it get before you realize you went overboard and said some hurtful shit to make your significant other cry? How far before its so bad that you made that other person scared of you?
Most people think that if you argue with someone and you say things in anger it was just that out of anger. How many times do you become so angry that the only way you feel better is to hurt that person by putting them down?
Whether its talking about the way they look, how fat they are, what they wear, the list goes on. This subject is something that alot of us won't talk about because we are ashamed of the situation we are in or were in. Some of us can say that we acknowledge our mistakes and our own abusive relationship. There are some who will never admit to being in an abusive relationship because we are afraid of how the world around us will react. It begins from the time that we were children and abused by a parent. Some of us grew up in homes where beating your children was ok. Talking to your children and putting them down was considered normal. Really...
Some grow up in a house where in which if u stepped the wrong way you got slapped when you got to old for the hitting well now lets hurt you with words was the thing to do. I for one had to deal with a parent who wasn't afraid to hit me but knew that the times were changing and hitting your child was becoming unacceptable because child services would be up your ass. The verbal abuse began, "You'll never amount to shit. You'll never get a man that will love you because you aren't worth anything, you will find a man that beats you and treats you like shit." . It was endless with her. I know right now you are saying well that child abuse well let me continue. As a child you believe that what your parent preaches is law and if you fear your parent as did I you would know that everything they said was going to come true because? Your parent said so. (I'm using this as an example of how the cycle begins. Again AN EXAMPLE)
So now you are all grown up. On your own and you meet someone. You think omg I have met the one. At first things are ok sometimes even the first years are great but then you become to comfortable and your love begins to change. Now nothing is right. Now everything you do is garbage and you need to do it again. Or better yet you are Stupid and your a fucking bitch or you are a fucking asshole what the fuck were you thinking? Ok so as the arguement goes it gets hotter you both are at it but then it takes a turn for the worse and there you are crying and who knows maybe you got hit too. No matter how you want to put it when you become so angry that what you say is so hateful so hurtful that the other person you say you love is hurting deep inside my friend you have just become verbally abusive and yes even emotionally abusive too. That thought about oh your just too sentimental yeah mm hmmm if it hurts you like that where you question yourself you are part of a cycle that begins and is hard to break. Now I'm trying to keep it two sided here because women just like men are just as abusive. Its not an easy subject but I can go on for hours talking about this. Let me explain something if you have done any of these: (doesn't have to be the whole list)
1.Is your spouse afraid of you?
2.Have you ever threatened to kill your spouse?
3.Do you believe that your way is the only way?
4.Have you ever hit, slapped, pushed, pulled hair, or choked your spouse?
5.Are you the jealous type?
6.Do you believe you have the right to know what your spouse is doing and where your spouse is all the time?
7.Do you think of yourself as in charge?
8.Do you enjoy seeing your spouse in pain, crying or hurt?
9.Do you believe your spouse deserves to be hit or yelled at or punished?
10.Do you believe your spouse 'asked for it'?
11.Do you break or destroy your spouse's belongings on purpose?
12.Have you ever been arrested for violent behavior?
13.Do you think you have an anger problem?
14.Are you afraid of asking for help because you might lose everything that is important to you?
15.Has your spouse ever tried to leave you?
If you have done any of these you need to get some proffesional help. If you have been a victim of any of these you need some proffesional help. The cycle has to be broken some where. Many of you will turn the other cheek because its embarrassing to talk about. Remember love is not supposed to hurt its is supposed to be supportive, loving, caring and understanding. There are people who have grown up in a abusive home and think that its ok to do the same. It is not. Get help. Its out there. If you don't want to talk to a proffesional, talk to someone you know will listen and not judge and maybe help you get the help you need. Life is too short again, Break the cycle, It begins with you.

Stepchild

Alone in the dark
shivers thru my spine
heart racing a mile a minute
unable to shake this feeling
what will tommorow bring?
This feeling wont go away
I feel it in the pit of my stomach
she won't ever love me
she knows I'm Vulnerable
the evil in her eyes when she makes me shed tears
it contents her to see my misery
unconditional love doesnt exist
Her anger is escalating
I have to endure the pain once more.
I cry out from within
no one can hear me
alone again to face the fear
Please make it stop
I can not stand this
Mommy please just love me
All I want is for u to love me......

lap band week four

So this is week is week four. Solid food finally!!! OMG STEAK NEVER TASTED SO GOOD. Yes I finally am eating solid. I can't eat what I used to. definitly like whoa. lmao I love it. I eat less than half of what I ate normally. Now I get full quick, the only thing that kills me is the not being able to drink right away. so have the time the food sits in my esophogus for a long time which hurts a bit so have learned to chew more but it still hurts. I go see my doctor for my first op thursday I am a little scared that I gained some weight, not alot but at least lbs. My cuts look almost healed. sometimes if I am up and walking just a little more than usual my cuts and stomach seem to be sensitive and I have to lie down to relax so that my stomach doesnt feel so hard and achy. I wish I could move like before but I guess its part of the healing and I need to slow down a bit. Till next time.

2 week after Lap Band Surgery

So here we are at the end of week 2. Tough yes because its a full liquid diet although I did start week three a lil early because the full liquid diet is not enough my stomach hurts so bad when I'm hungry. I tell you eggs never tasted so good and chewing eggs is a big must. I never realized that if we took the time to chew the food we eat we would get full and be so content. Cream of chicken and carnation instant breakfast and jello. I started on eggs today and then I had mashed potatos for dinner. omg it tasted soooooo good. I will say this, they were not kidding when they said it would take dedication. I haven't weighed myself to see what my weight is. My first pre op visit to the doctor is March 9th. The aching of the cuts are gone but I still can't move the way I would I can still feel some pull on them and I can feel the portal sometimes pinch the skin on the inside but not enough for me to be in pain. I can now lay on my sides but I still have to lay down carefully as to not hurt myself. I did go out to go food shopping but I came back so achey. When I went to try to do normal house work I found that my back and my stomach area were achey as well so I know I need to take it easy. I can say that I am taking it easy I walk around my house to avoid bed sores but I do relax alot so that I can continue on my road to recovery and weight loss.